Enid Hoops

This is a post about the one time I found out my daughter was a radical feminist lesbian. It all started at the concessions table at her school. Wait, it all started last summer when her school hired a new artistic director... (Make wavy lines with your hands in front of your face right now- like you're going back in time. Oh! And add wahhh wahhh wahhh wahhh sound effects. And stop getting your panties in a wad, it's not what you think. For heaven's sake!) The new artistic director at the Salt Lake School for the Performing Arts is AMAAAAZING. (To be said like a 15 year old girl because that is how SHE describes Jan.) Jan chose the musical "Legally Blonde" for SPA last fall. As a freshman, Beanie was excited to be cast as something other than "chorus" for first high school musical. She was a TV News Reporter. I think she had about 4 lines, but WOW! That girl and those 4 lines? She practically stole the... Whatever, she did well. The whole cast did well. So well in fact that they were selected to perform their musical for a second run. This time for the Utah Theatre Association. (Now fast forward to present day, use sound effects if you want.) I was bringing water to sell at the concession stand the first night of the second run. But it rained ice that day and that is why I was late. My car has tires and not skates, it doesn't do as well on ice. I ran in walked in quickly taking little penguin steps trying not to drop 35 bottles of water and was greeted by the other concession moms. We did the usual "who do you belong to" introductions. When it came to my turn I said, "I'm Chloe's mom." To which I was greeted by a group of three moms excitedly squealing, "CHLOE! ARE YOU SO EXCITED? IT'S HER BIG NIGHT!" And I looked at them blankly. I mean, I knew she was good at those 4 lines, but I wouldn't exactly call it "big night" material. I asked if they meant MY Chloe. (AKA Beanie for those who would have no idea who Chloe is.) And yes. My Chloe. Remember how it rained ice that day? The Salt Lake City airport was closed. Planes don't have skates either. Two kids from the musical were stuck in a different state and with the airport closed they would not be making it back in time for the show that night. This might have been a problem if there wasn't a Beanie in the world. A Beanie who was asked after lunch if she thought she could learn an entire part and perform it that evening. Come on, it's Beanie. So yes, yes she could. And she did. And THAT was her big night. She was cast a a radial feminist lesbian law student named Enid Hoops. I wasn't planning on watching the show that night, but somehow the stage manager saved me a seat in the over-packed house and I got to have one of those moments that every child dreads- I bragged about Beanie to all the people sitting around me. Every. Last. One. The only thing that makes this kind of o.k. is that Beanie doesn't know about the bragging part. BUT I figured if she didn't have time to tell me she'd been re-cast that afternoon, I didn't have to divulge my secrets either. (O.K. hers wasn't really a secret, she was literally soo busy learning her lines, music, blocking, and cues that texting mom was kinda off the to-do list.) I wish I had a video of Beanie to show you, but I don't so go to YouTube and watch Harvard Variations from Legally Blonde. And be impressed- could you learn that part in a couple hours? How she managed to learn all those lines, spit them out like that, without a mistake? I have no words. Of course, afterwards, when I saw her and told her how amaaaazing she was, I also asked why it takes 2 months to put a show together. Heck- she learned her part in three hours!

The 1,000,000,000 Dollar Birthday

This may come to surprise to you all, but we're not rich. Maybe it's the fact that there is a 13 year old mini-van in the driveway, maybe it's the furniture in our bedroom given to me on my 13th birthday (almost antique you might say!), or maybe it's fact that in the past four years the farthest our family has vacationed was two hours north (no San Diego zoo, it's was the city zoo in Logan, UT. They have ducks. And a turtle.) Any of those might make it obvious that we're all about fish sticks instead of caviar. But even on our limited budget, I managed to give the Canuck a pretty amazing birthday gift. I gave him blue sky, sunshine, and a frozen waterfall. Anyone living in Salt Lake City will understand the pure joy that comes from seeing the sun. And not through a blanket of dense, gray, more-of-a-solid-and-less-of-a-gas, sky. (Heavy music starts to play) It's inversion season. The ground is gray, the sky is gray, and supposedly there are mountains surrounding the valley but with visibility limited to about 9 feet in front of you, those mountains could possibly be a myth. Breathing the inversion air is like breathing anesthetic gas. It messes with your mind and basically makes you want to sleep, all. the. time... No one can really have a happy birthday if they are suffering from the gray funk. Which is why I had to get him some blue sky and sunshine. We packed up our snowshoe gear and headed up Big Cottonwood Canyon. I'm not sure how roads are made in canyons, but this one has an area known by all as "The S Curve." Which is really more like a squash letter Z with an elevation climb, but whatever. I'm telling you all this because it's at the S curve where the inversion gets stuck- no longer able to make the climb up the canyon and spoil the air up there. You want some crazy reality TV? Film a couple driving up the canyon, a couple who has been living in the valley for the past week and forgot which way East and West are from not being able to see, and watch what happens when they pass the squashed Z curve up the canyon.

"WOO HOO! THAT RIGHT THERE! THAT IS BLUE SKY! BLUE SKY BLUE SKY THAT RIGHT THERE IS BLUE SKY!" It's another kind of drug, but instead of wanting to sleep we wanted to whoop whoop! Shortly after the blue sky high celebration, we stopped at the pull out for Doughnut Falls. Have you been there in the summer? Now you need to go in the winter. (Only girls- the vault potties at the trail head are closed for winter so go before you go unless you want to freeze your- oh never mind.) The hike ends in a little box canyon with a water fall at the top- a water fall that comes through a circle into a cave. A "doughnut" hole. Get it?? In the summer you can see the falls from below, but in the winter a climb to the top is required. If you don't have your snowshoes with good crampons (scary metal teeth gripers on the bottom which look like a chain saw blade, but are really your best friend), never mind.

Without the snowshoes, it could be a bit slicky and I don't want anyone to meet the business end of boulder. OR go BUY some snowshoes with good crampons- totally worth it. Go. Today. Inside the cave, the waterfall has frozen for the winter.

There is water flowing under the ice which sounds completely amazing live, but recorded it just sounds like a washing machine filling with water. Which is not a pleasant sound when your washing machine filled with so much water one time that your basement became a rainforest. I digress. It's not quite as easy to walk across the cave in the summer- what with the flowing water and gigantic washing machine splashing on you, oh and it's a couple feet deep and the water is about 50 degrees but in the winter? The ice is solid enough for a Canuck in snow shoes to wander about and take some amazing photos.

Bottom line- as far as birthday gifts go, this is in the top three- right behind the curling lessons oh and that one time I gave him a daughter 3 days before his birthday.

Just Keep Swimming!

First of all, goldfish are extremely hard to photograph. At least with my limited photography skills. Keep that in mind when viewing the photo included here...

Meet Nemo. Our one-fined, that's fin-ed, goldfish. He's the white guy in front and center. Look closer- see? No fins. Two and a half years ago, Beanie and her friend Miscellaneous went for walk. We don't live within walking distance of the beach. We don't live within walking distance of the mountains. We don't even live within walking distance of a forest, wood, or meadow. HOWEVER, we do live within walking distance of a big box retail shopping center. Getting out to be one with nature for these girls meant walking to Petsmart. Which they did. And brought home seventeen goldfish. Seventeen. Beanie, thinking things through in her usual fashion, meaning not at all, bought as many fish as her $1.80 would buy. If you have very strong feelings about the quality of life of goldfish, perhaps just close this tab now and forget I ever mentioned it. I understand that 17 goldfish is a lot of fish. About 17 too many for a 2 gallon fish tank. But that is what we had so that is where they went. All 17 of them. I am admittedly a softie when it comes to pets, but after years of hamsters, guinea pigs, parakeets, dogs, cats, hermit crabs, and now 17 fish, I just couldn't quite muster the same enthusiasm as Beanie. I honestly thought that these fish would most likely be temporary family members. And some were. But all this time later, I am still greeted every morning by six goldfish begging for breakfast. I think they learned it from the dogs. (Dogs who not only beg for breakfast, but LIE about being fed. Every morning they will sit on the rug by their food dishes, looking at me and saying, "DADDY FORGOT TO FEED US!" And every day I call the Canuck only to be told that the little lying canines not only ate their breakfast, they finished off his as well! I digress.) None of the fish have names save for one. Nemo. We don't know how or why, but Nemo lost most of his fins. It could be fin rot, it could be that one of his "buddies" bit them off, it could be that he got too close to the water filter. The crazy thing is, he doesn't seem to mind. Every morning, he gets as crazy excited at feeding time as the rest of the gang. His special needs don't slow him down at all and except for an occasional sideways swim, he gets around just fine. For all the times I rolled my eyes at Beanie for bringing home 17 fish, for all the times I shook my head while buying yet another can of fish food, for all the times I pulled the short straw and had to clean the fish tank, I can honestly say, I'm glad we have Nemo. He's not cute. He's not even gold. But he's one amazing little fish. Just keep swimming Nemo!

Cure for the Wintertime Blues

Today the Canuck and I went snowshoeing. We bought snowshoes three years ago and today, we actually used them for the first time. WHY you ask? We had post-traumatic-the-van-almost-hit-a-building-stress-syndrome and everyone knows the average recovery time for said ailment is three years. Back up three years, we packed up our newly acquired snowshoes, packed up our youngest, and set out for a day of snowshoeing fun. Destination- a golf course up the canyon- it's a popular destination for winter activities. We pulled into the parking lot which had a slight incline towards the clubhouse. I know this because we almost became one with that clubhouse. With brakes applied, the van refused to stop and simply kept making a beeline for the building. I believe there were some words uttered by the Canuck that would have rivaled any sailor can not be written here. When we didn't actually make contact with the building, we decided we no longer felt like a fun day snowshoeing. The Canuck managed to get the van turned around and with the help of some kind gents pushing from behind, we got out of the parking lot and back on our way... home... The snowshoes hung in the garage until today. This time our destination was a trail closer to home and we were driving a full size SUV. I did have one pang of anxiety when I asked the Canuck if he'd brought a shovel to dig out the car if we got stuck... You would have to understand the hilarity of this given the fact that we not only drove on perfectly dry roads, we parked in a perfectly dry parking lot. We would have maybe needed a shovel if say, a giant dump truck accidentally unloaded on our vehicle. Today's outing turned out to be up there pretty high on the list of "super awesome things to do on a Saturday."

AND NOT just because we didn't almost become a lead story on the evening news about a couple whose vehicle went through a building. It was just fun. Utah really does have the best snow on earth, it's a scientific fact.

We tromped around in the snow, and learned quickly that there are certain things you can't do in snowshoes. Walk backwards for one.

However, you CAN fall backwards into a big fluffy bank of perfect Utah powder and laugh until your belly aches. And that my friends, is the perfect remedy for PTTVAHABSS. (See above for actual name.)

If you give a mouse a cookie...

If you give a man a Lowe's gift card for Christmas, chances are, you're going to end up spending 4 Xs as much as the face value of the card and end up with something not quite as exciting as -insert exciting thing here-. Yes, the Canuck received his go-to gift from his in-laws this Christmas- a Lowe's gift card. I, of course, had immediate visions of a new kitchen faucet, maybe one of those goose-neck ones with the high arch and pull-down spout? Oooh! Pretty! Of course, the card was for $50 and the goose was over $200. SO I really just had visions of a new kitchen faucet that had a working pull-out hose and one that was maybe it's original color. Eric had other visions, it was HIS gift card after all... Or was it. Things didn't quite go as planned. The faucet was pretty much on-hold for the time being, when what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a toilet with leaks springing from the rear! We can't prove anything, but it is with a highly suspicious nature that the leak began. BOTH girls were in the bathroom, and while there, the mystery leak began. It was leaking from between the tank and the bowl. As if... AS IF someone may have "accidentally" shoved someone leaned against the tank too hard and broke the seal around the screw that holds the potty top to the potty bottom. Well thank Al Gore for the internet because momma looked up how to fix the problem on YouTube. AND a kindly plumber from the deep south had posted a loverly piece on how to fix tank ta bowl problems. Thank you kindly dear plumber. And thank you for givin' us a go-to accent to use while settin' about to get a fixin' that toilut. A TRIP TO LOWE'S ENSUED! Where, the repair kit was purchased, and in a moment of total financial responsibility, a new hose was purchased for the kitchen faucet. NOT a new faucet. New hose- $27, New faucet? Much more than that. Just the hose. O.K. fine. Amazingly, the toilet repair worked the first time. At least it's been working for 5 days... HOWEVER. The hose? A no go. Leaving us without water in the kitchen- the new hose didn't fit and the old hose wouldn't go back. Which is fine because the packing tape repair job wasn't meant to be long term anyways... SO back to Lowe's we went. AND bought a new faucet. Goose neck no, but new nonetheless. It was a "so quick and easy even a hoser could do it," kind. Only the hoses weren't long enough reach the valves where the water comes out. So... either they make those hoses way way too short, or our house was built with no consideration for things like plumbing standards or following the blue print or we were the hosers for thinking something might be easy... That reminds me of a funny story. Nevermind. BACK to the store for extension hose thingies. They were gender benders if that makes sense to anyone. It simply means that the ends of the extension had to be the same. It's legal in Utah, we checked. ANYWHO. THEY FIT! And we had water, and it came out of a lovely new faucet. AND now we had water under the sink too! Because the valve where the hot water comes out? It was leaking! We talked nice to it, gave it a little twist, patted it dry... BUT no. Valve incontinence. SO back to Lowe's once again for a new valve. AND secretly, at this point, I obtained the numbers of SEVERAL local plumbers. And secretly, right before the Canuck turned off the main water to the house, I filled up a tub with water... Call it a total lack of confidence in a back-up plan just in case. He did it! He replaced the hot water valve. Folks, we are 3 days in and the only water in the kitchen is coming from the faucet and the dog's feet. (Dang dogs, won't they ever learn to to wipe their paws before walking around the kitchen?) The moral of the story is, if you give a guy a Lowe's gift card for Christmas, chances are he's gonna use it to fix a toilet which may mean momma gets her new faucet, and a whole list of who to call should something happen like this happen again...